Also, entirely for my own amusement, I also wrote another set of horoscopes which are just… awful. As these were to also fill out my BlueSky account, each one was character limited unlike the last set.
…
Aries: you suspect that neighbour you forgot to put on the Christmas card list took it personally. The first sign is the fact that someone is using your food waste bin as a latrine, followed shortly after by installing a stake pit on your lawn. Expect a fight to the death in late spring.
Taurus: This year you will suffer an escalating series of problems with your arse. It’s not all bad, though, as during the many hours you will spend in the waiting room of a gastroenterologist, you will form new bonds with the similarly afflicted over discussions of your ruined holes.
Gemini: You decide to attempt to better yourself through voluntary work. Though laudable, the attempt is a failure as the charity you select is in fact a secret cult. You do not realise this until the second blood orgy of the year. Also, you get nipple piercings. They suit you.
Cancer: You will be banned from every branch of a major supermarket chain after they misinterpret you becoming trapped in a shopping trolley wedged under the deli counter as an attempt to hide until after closing and steal all the beef mince. You also fall down a manhole.
Leo: You know those disconnected toilets at big home stores? You will be arrested after an “incident” involving one of them. It’s not what you think, though. You will be charged with arson and found innocent after a trial described by the BBC as “the funniest shit we’ve seen this year”
Virgo: You will attempt a difficult task which you have dreamed of doing since you were a child. Unfortunately, the attempt will fail when you are run over by the cab that you booked to take you to the station. You spend three months in a full body plaster cast.
Libra: In a futile, because you’re [already perfect/an unsalvageable trash fire] attempt at self-improvement you take on a new fitness regime. You end the year with a massive neck and the stamina and lower body strength of a toddler.
Scorpio: You will be the first person in human history to be telling the truth when you tell the A&E receptionist that you slipped and fell onto the object currently stuck unreachably far up your arse. No one will believe you, and your X-ray will go viral.
Sagittarius: While digging in your back garden, you will discover an unexploded World War Two bomb. Due to budget cuts, the police will employ a new disposal technique named “Uncontrolled Detonation”. The crater will be claimed by mole people as their embassy to the surface world.
Capricorn: You will make a major purchase (a car, or item of similar value). Due to an administrative error, you are instead sent its cash value in low grade brie. You lose hundreds in cheesy depreciation while trying to correct the error. Also, a heat wave melts quite a lot of it.
Aquarius: Due to a technical mishap and a slight misunderstanding, you will get a full back tattoo of the Cloudflare connection timeout error page. After some further miscommunications, you also get an exchange SMTP failure tattooed on your butt cheeks. Don’t ask where Clippy is going.
Pisces: You will piss yourself at a highly inconvenient moment. Specifically, while operating a public defibrillator. The resultant short knocks out electricity across three counties for a week. You also get a badly singed urethra and £500 from an adult reboot of You’ve Been Framed.
Christmas Bonus: You will discover your festive turkey was used by drug smugglers and contains a full pound of marching powder. You will discover this when grandma starts dancing to EDM and tries to seduce the paramedics. Go Grandma! Just be careful you don’t drop those teeth!