Dr Danny’s 2024 Astrological Extravaganza

Horoscopes for the discerning masochist

Aries: In an interesting new cost-cutting measure, the Royal Mail will entirely abandon the concept of delivering unprofitable post such as letters to their intended recipient, instead putting the whole lot through your letter box. You personally. Every day you will be increasingly trapped in your home, first by the endless queue of Royal Mail lorries filling your street, and then by the ever-growing drifts of other people’s gas bills, bank statements and embarrassing letters from the hospital about that problem with their arse that they really don’t like people to know about. Within a few days, you have to claw your way through your own roof to escape a postvalanche. As your flailing arm reaches through the hole, you desperately claw for any purchase, and all you find is a postman handing you a Wickes catalogue.

Taurus: Your luck this year will take the form of a sine wave consisting of dizzying highs and crushing lows. The frequency and amplitude of the luck wave will gradually increase over the course of the year. In January, you will find a £20 note you previously believed lost at a time it is extremely convenient to do so, and will then have to spend a slightly irritating afternoon replacing all the bulbs in your car. By December, you will be alternating on an hourly basis between such events as being nominated for an OBE for services to sex and falling down a 30-storey spiral staircase. In hindsight, you shouldn’t have annoyed that particle physicist, they had a very odd look in their eye.

Gemini: You will stub your toe on a piece of wooden furniture. You believed the furniture was of higher quality than it in fact is, so the inch long splinter that drives itself under your toenail comes as a great surprise. Unable to remove the splinter without passing out from the pain, you take an Uber to the hospital. After waiting 14 hours with no sign of treatment, you catch salmonella from a WHSmith’s prawn sandwich. The hospital declares your undercarriage a biological hazard and has it condemned.

Cancer: Due to an incident of mistaken identity you will be put on the sex offenders register, the no-fly list, several anti terror watch lists, and will have your assets frozen under the Magnitsky Act. You will be initially successful in arranging to speak directly to the new Home Secretary, who will apologise profusely and promise to resolve the situation promptly. Hopefully you return home and, initially at least, they make good on their word. Unfortunately, due to one final bureaucratic mishap you are put on the Dangerous Dogs Act list of banned breeds, and are microchipped and neutered before the mix-up can be resolved.

Leo: You will meet one of your heroes. Someone who you truly respect and admire. You will take a chance and approach them to make some heartfelt expression of gratitude or ask an unusually incisive question. As you approach and make eye contact they see you, realise your intent and begin to smile warmly. However, due to circumstances beyond your control you will simultaneously sneeze directly into their right eye, trip over flinging a boiling hot coffee or soup over them, and piss yourself. Three members of the public will tackle you to the ground until police arrive to arrest you for harassment, assault, and public indecency. The three bystanders will receive a medal for bravery, and you will receive a three-month suspended sentence, six months community service and fines totalling not less than £300. You will also be shunned by this person’s fan base or community after video of the incident goes viral, and your face is plastered over page 7 of a tabloid newspaper. Your mum thinks it’s the funniest thing that’s ever happened, and you suspect she might be right.

Virgo: The squirrels will have vengeance. 🐿️ You know what you did. 🐿️

Libra: Your family and friends will have a year of creative satisfaction, good financial fortune and general good luck. You will not. To be clear, you will not be unusually unlucky… you will just remain at a completely normal baseline level of luck while everyone around you has the low-key best year of their lives. You will start out genuinely happy for them. By the end of the year you will be a seethingly bitter wreck, impotently plotting the downfall of your nearest and dearest, only to see all of your plans come to nothing due to them all simultaneously winning holidays, being taken on a surprise night out to see a favourite musician or being given the day off work for no real reason.

Scorpio: Over the course of the year your employer subjects you to increasingly bizarre and nonsensical policies, directives, emails and meetings, causing you to slowly lose your grasp on objective reality. It begins with things you could simply dismiss as incompetence or carelessness, such as conflicting instructions or incomprehensible emails delivered with the urgent flag at 4:38 on Friday afternoon. Soon it devolves to conference calls conducted in Simlish, and “bring your great-great-grandparent’s skeletons to work day”. By the summer, you haven’t seen a coworker not wearing either a full mascot costume or a worryingly accurate rubber mask of your own face in weeks. The year will end with a ritual in which you ascend to a higher state of existence untethered from the petty constraints of cause and effect. Or someone put something in the water cooler again, you aren’t sure which. Either way, you get “Employee of the Year”.

Sagittarius: You decide to treat yourself to a weekly lottery ticket. You make the mistake, however, of choosing set numbers, meaning you are never again able to stop or skip a week for fear of the giant foam hand of fate bitch slapping you through a plate glass window and bringing your numbers up the one draw you skip. To make things worse, every single week you “win” a prize smaller than the price of the ticket causing you to receive an email telling you that you’ve won the lottery, but not saying how much, and not allowing you to log in to the website to check until the next morning (yes this is a real thing). This backfires and causes you to develop a fetish for extreme edging followed by crushing disappointment. Your junk’s never been so confused and disappointed at the same time.

Capricorn: That weird coworker/uncle/neighbour/friend you are no longer quite comfortable around (delete as appropriate) turns out to be bang on the money on one very specific thing. The government ARE putting chemicals in the water in your area to turn the frogs gay. But not just gay. Semi offensive nineties sitcom stereotype gay. Britain’s waterways become 300% more tastefully decorated almost overnight, and Instagram becomes full of bi people posting pictures of little gay frog couples (even bi people don’t know why bi memes are so full of frogs, but they are. Google it). The only downside is the six hours of 90s club hits blaring out of every pond all summer.

Aquarius: You will discover that someone you have known and trusted for many years is in fact your handler. In response to some unknown event this year, they will read a code phrase to you, activating you and causing your true identity and memories to resurface. You will briefly experience a surge of elation as you are subsumed by your true identity. Are you a secret agent? An assassin? A super soldier? Your last moment of existence is crushed by the horrifying realisation that you are in fact a sleeper ticket inspector for National Express coaches.

Pisces: You will begin work on a new creative project this year. It will take up a great deal of your time and attention, but you will find it greatly rewarding. You will become convinced this can be turned into a marketable product. You will never be more proud of something that isn’t one of your children than the day you put this product on sale. Unfortunately you will then discover due to an oversight in your market research caused by the sheer joy of creation, you are in fact selling an almost 1:1 copy of an existing patented, copyright protected and trademarked product. The crushing disappointment you experience comes second only in horror to the series of lawsuits which leave you living on a wooden pallet, ratchet strapped to the scaffolding holding up Hammersmith Bridge. You have three mortgages on the pallet and live in constant fear of a bailiff confiscating your ratchet straps and sending you plunging into the Thames below.

Dr Danny provides no assurances as to the accuracy of the above, nor does he take responsibility for any consequences should they come about. Dr Danny is also not a doctor.

A Prediction for 2024

A fiction piece I wrote upon waking up in the middle of the night, giggling like a child.

You awake and look to your watch. It’s 4:27 PM. Your last memory is of opening your seventh magnum of champagne and screaming at the waiter that “no, sir doesn’t want another 11 glasses, this is all for me” before trying to aggressively fuck a cheeseboard that someone put a lot of time, effort and expense into.

What happened between then and now, and why there is Fortnum and Masons Green Tomato Chutney smeared across your tits, is a mystery very much secondary to the fact you appear to be upside down in a vending machine. A fact brought home to you by the angry traveller repeatedly pressing “D5” causing the whirring machine to attempt to corkscrew 3 cans of monster energy up your arse.

Your overtaxed bladder releases and the stream of hot, and somehow still fizzy, piss cuts through the grime on the glass of the vending machine to reveal two things. The first is a crowd of people gathered around a massive video ad screen, which has been repurposed to show news footage of a new viral video. The video appears to be you, attempting to check in to an open vending machine believing it to be a capsule hotel, generously tipping the attendant refilling it, climbing inside and closing yourself in. The view counter currently stands at 2.4 billion. The second thing is the unmistakable, albeit inverted, outline of the Mirai Tower.

You do not have a visa for travel to Nagoya, or indeed any part of Japan, so this is concerning.  Gathering your strength you inhale deeply, clench your entire self, and erupt through the glass of the vending machine, brutally lacerating the vendee and launching a can of monster at near hypersonic speeds into the head of an innocent bystander who (were it not for this event) would have made the developments in material science necessary for the creation of a functioning cold fusion reactor.

As three security guards, a member of the royal Canadian mounted police, and Hachimaru (mascot of the city of Nagoya) chase you, trousers-less, down the street, you consider your predicament. Air travel will be difficult in your current condition.

You escape your pursuers by causing a tanker full of industrial lubricant to overturn, rendering everything within 130 feet “thoroughly lubricated” and thus unsuitable for high speed pursuit.

Sprinting through the city streets to the nearest dockyard, you hide yourself in a shipping container bound for England. For six weeks you subsist on only dry noodle bricks, snorted flavour sachets and rainwater. You wile away the time fashioning an impeccably tasteful suit out of the foil noodle wrappers.

You arrive just in time for London Fashion Week, where you win several awards, before being hospitalised due to a case of constipation so severe that the tattered remains of your anus go on to grace the cover of the British Medical Journal.

So begins 2024.

Pining for the Fjords

Nearly there, taking details from various fan versions of the norway Ive added some raised and recessed sections and visible phaser arrays, torpedo launchers and a traditional deflector dish, as well as some Attack Wing style window squares. The first print run will tell whether I’ve got them prominent enough for the intended scale.

Now all that’s left is the nightmare of panel lines. Now they wouldnt BE a nightmare if I knew what I was doing (I saw a method of doing it through modifiers which would work very nicely if my geometry wasnt a bit of a “novice grade mess”.

A wild Diversion Appears

For many years I’ve dipped in and out of 3D modelling, learning very specific tasks such as texture mapping or skeleton binding or arcane format conversions for…projects. Never however have I produced a 3D model of my own from scratch, until now.

Because owning a 3D printer and having no ability to effectively use blender was a tad too daft even for me…

So here we go.

The first 3D model I ever built. I have no particular fondness for the Saladin class, and if I did it would be the refit version, however it was a really nice simple set of shapes and I thought it would give me a nice concept of how much detail would show up at Attack Wing scale. When I’ve primed the physical one and found somewhere to mount the peg I’ll definitely post a picture here.

And while that was printing I set about making myself something a tad more relevant to the things I actually want to play in Attack Wing…notably the Norway Class. This one clearly isn’t finished yet, but I thought for once I’d post a WIP.

The more canon eyed among you may spot various oddities in both these designs. In both cases the designs are a hybrid of various different images of the ships, taking details from a few sources and changing some to account for what works at 5-7 centimetres long.

For example the TOS-Style Saladin is commonly pictures with a Constitution style deflector dish hanging on an arm below the centre of the saucer which would be a complete structural failure in resin, so I substitued an equally era appropriate sensor dome. Also the pipes on the back of the nacelles are closer to solid fins here to maintain integrity without losing the general shape.

The Norway is an even trickier one because just about every image of the Norway Class has some variations. For those not as much of a nerd as myself the reason for this, and why the class never appeared after First Contact, was that the original 3D file was lost and not rebuilt until eaglemoss wanted to produce a physical model, so just about every intervening version takes some liberties with the details of the original…And I do exactly the same here. Hopefully I’ll be able to show off the finished version of this in physical form pretty soon.

Oh and should I deem these good enough I shall post the files here for download, as I will with any other ships I make.

Star Trek: Attack Wing – Homebrew (Discovery Part 4)

This is a brief one. Captains and crew of the Discovery.

A few are coming later with the Section 31 scout ship.


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So, captains…Saru is the science ship captain and Burnham is the more flexible captain (I did consider a more sarcastic ability which literally allowed some form of limited cheating but I do actually like Discovery).

Stamet’s specifically makes the Spore Drive more efficient (used with any other crew you don’t get an action the turn you return). Culber is a standard doctor ability…however if you use the Lorca/Stamets/Spore Drive combo Culber gets you a third use of the Spore Drive.

I’ve given Reno an ability representing a kind of “bodge it together” tech improvisation. Owo, Rhys and Nhan have pretty standard “assorted bridge crew” abilities. Tilly’s is intended to be a tad less reliable, representing a kind of “flash of inspiration” support character. All the abilities are useful to some degree, and you’ll know which you get at the start of turn so you can plan accordingly.

Star Trek: Attack Wing – Homebrew (Discovery Part 3)

So…yeah. It’s been a while since the last post. Three seasons of Star Trek, one global pandemic, a D&D murder mystery, and a series of events I have come to describe as the Saga of the Kidney Stones. The saga has yet to come to an end. Its now been 13 months. While I attempt to keep profanity on this site to far far below my usual casual levels…FUCKING OW.

This kind of fell by the wayside a little because I was busy with other things and then all the…everything…happened. However Lower Decks, plus the upcoming Star Trek Alliance release (which if memory serves was still upcoming when I last posted…really wizkids you make good games, stop killing them with distribution) really brought back my interest in the game. So much so my ebay purchases to pick up stuff I missed back when I was last paying got my card blocked. Seriously bank…you thought erratically spending large sums of money on collectible game pieceswas suspicious…you don’t know me at all.

On the plus side I finally have a big cube coming.

And without further ado where were we…Discovery season 1. Blimey. So I’m shuffling up the order a little bit from what I planned because TIME.

To start, the Discovery’s USS and ISS, and the ISS Shenzhou.


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So, all the normal and mirror Crossfields can take the spore drive for free. It’s kind of the point of them. USS Discovery plays up it’s science ship nature, whereas ISS Discovery and Shenzhou are both combat machines throwing around extra attacks.

Then we get to Admirals. In this post we’ll be looking at Lorca, Georgiou and Cornwell.


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The intention behind Lorca’s card is that you can take him as a captain on Federation OR Mirror ships but you can only take him as an admiral on Mirror ships. He’s also intended to represent the moment Lorca overloads Stamets to take out the sarcophagus (and shift universes).

I am not, however, entirely happy with the wording. The INTENT (and my ruling should you ever want to use the card for real) is that you can use this card to get a second use out of “disable this upgrade/put X time tokens on this upgrade” OR “disable one of your crew upgrades/put X time tokens on one of your crew upgrades” by discarding the crew upgrade in question. It is NOT intended to enable use of a passive ability on a disabled card (such as the TOS USS Enterprise expansion Mr. Spock card).

In the tradition of the mirror universe Empress Philippa works by singling out and brutally destroying enemy ships. Admiral Cornwell is intended more as an action efficiency support role.


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So blast doors could have also been a sacrifice based elite talent but this works quite nicely with one of Geordis rolls under the engineering blast door too. The DOT-7 (I LOVE THE LITTLE FLOATY ROBOT BOYS) provides another repair tool…There will probably be more in the Disco crew section…something has to explain how they survived the battle against control. As for the spore drive…this is the upgrade Lorca’s passive ability is intended to work with (ie you put time tokens on Stamets, then use it again and discard him).

Next time…a metric butt-ton of Disco S1 and S2 captain and crew upgrades. Then Picard and Lower Decks. A random note I’m putting off deciding what to do with S3 future characters. They finally made the Discovery look good…but the stats could never play nice with the rest of the game, and theres not enough detail visible of the other ships. Also I’m saving Pike’s enterprise and associated characters for Strange New Worlds.

Star Trek: Attack Wing – Homebrew (Discovery Part 2)

This time it’s a couple of the most notable Klingon ships from the Battle of the Binary Stars, specifically the Sarcophagus and Cleave ships.

The normal line ships I’ll get to later…

First up the Sarcophagus.


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I’ve given this one a bit more punch than other Klingon ships of it’s era (notably the 3 dice D7 class) to represent this ships size and status. It’s supposed to be an older ship, but given what it took to bring it down I’m assuming its pretty heavily upgraded.

Its ability text is intended to represent its many tractor beams. T’Kuvma is represented as an Admiral, and I think a reasonably good one (they did win the battle after all). Voq I think is reasonably narratively accurate given what actually happened in the story.

Then onto the cleave ship. The cleave ship is ridiculous. It’s the stupidest design. I love the cleave ship. The cleave ship is the most Klingon thing ever. I see no contradiction in these statements. Seriously, I don’t like a lot of the season 1 Klingon ship designs but I love the concept of the cleave ship.

“We’ve got this massive old freighter, its built like a ruddy tank but its a hundred years out of date, takes a fortnight to turn around and it can barely do warp 4…shall we scrap it?…Sir…what do you mean melee ship”.


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Given its apparent size I genuinely think the thing that makes most sense for the cleave is a repurposed freighter, and that in mind I’ve given it a crappy move dial, and no agility. However the named and generic both get to attack on collision. I’ve also given it a decent attack value because whose going to tell the guy with the kilometer long space knife “no you cant have all my surplus disruptor turrets”.

As for the invisibility field, I’ve basically made it a way to delay your deployment and almost guarantee a collision…The cloak and echo options are basically supplementary and irrelevant on anything more advanced that the D7.

Star Trek: Attack Wing – Homebrew (Discovery Part 1)

So…yeah. It’s been a while. I kind of forgot about Attack Wing for a while, my local scene was petering out, releases were tailing off and the pseudo second edition stuff had yet to hit.

Then I had some other projects I was working on, which I’ll probably put on here at some point. Then before I knew it it was the other day and I ran into one of the faction packs in a shop and it set me off on a spending spree buying some of the…I’m gonna call it second edition for clarity purposes.

Of course it wouldnt be Attack Wing if you could buy it easily if you missed it on day one so I didnt manage to get my hands on the Romulan Faction pack or the new starter, but I did manage to get the Borg, Dominion, Ferengi, Independant, Kelvin and Animated ones, plus the fighter squad card pack (well dang, I can actually run all my old resouce fighters as named ships now)…the other card packs didnt interest me that much.

It being me though it’s got me thinking of homebrew again and where better to start than Discovery…

Today the list starts up again with the battle of the binary stars, specifically the Federation half.


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The Shenzhou is a pretty ship but it doesn’t seem to pack much punch and was, if memory serves, presented as quite an old and not particularly powerful ship so I’ve gone for a low stat-line, and a move set on the crappier end of the scale. The ability is quite a nice one for a small cheap ship…protects your more valuable ships one way or another, either with freebie evades or by drawing fire and getting itself blown up. Captain Georgiou replicates the raid on the sarcophagus, Detmer helps keep the Shenzhou alive while it protects its allies and Gant is intended to lend a little extra kick to ships with low attack values.

Then we have the rest of the fleet…I’ve opted for a mix of the designs I like and just the ones there are a decent image of from the show.


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I’ve picked the fleet flagship, the Europa, with a command skill boosting ability. The T’Plana-Hath, mostly on grounds theres a decent image of it, this one another support ship, removing time tokens from friendly ships. Lastly theres the Yeager (STOP NAMING SHIPS YEAGER, WE HAVE ENOUGH) of the Cardenas class which I just like the design of…this one gets a bit of extra punch in close quarters with friendly ships.

Last up is Admiral Anderson, his ability letting a ship take a few parting shots back at its attackers (or simply diverting fire away onto another ship to avoid the damage).

Next time…probably the Klingon side of the binaries, so that would be the Sarcophagus, the cleave ship…the “D7” and “birds of prey” (and heres where I start to get opinionated on Discovery…good thing weve moved on and theyve made some improvements).

As for the Discovery itself, Burnham, Saru etc…later.

Now for some other notes. Firstly you may notice I’ve kept the old points formula…basically given I have the luxury of none of my stuff ever having to be tournament balanced I can keep things easy. I am however adopting a few bits of the new card formats like the firing arc symbols and the divider line in some cases.

I very much wish theyd come up with the whole “main and sub factions” thing from the beginning so we could have had the cardassians, breen, andorians etc all be their own factions and still play happily together.

I’m also planning doing some new general upgrade cards for each faction including some cheap standardised versions of the most common weapons (with both disable and time token versions) and some tech upgrades to give some factions some more feel.

Star Trek: Attack Wing – Homebrew (Yet More Alternate Timeline)

And the last in this batch of Beyond themed updates.

Kralls swarm fighters. The gimmick here is it allows you to run an entirely fighter based fleet. Yes, I realise that would be a living nightmare if they introduced it to the real game, but that’s the fun part of homebrew…it doesn’t all have to be printable.

Swarm Prime:


Swarm Second:


Swarm Command Squadron:


Swarm Squadron:


Krall and co take the form of squadron upgrades rather than regular captains and crew, although Krall and Manas still boost a squadrons captain skill and can be targeted as captains (for effects that disable captains etc).

Krall and Manas both give out free fleet actions (representing controlling advanced functions of the swarm) and the Tear Apart upgrade lets you trade squadron tokens for negative effects on the opponents ship.

Lastly Kalara screws with your opponents deployment. The text box gives limited space but if I was FAQing this for an OP I would say that it DOES allow the enemy ship to deploy outside the deployment area if it has to in order to stay in the required range.