Skyrim – The Crusher Chronicles Pt.3: So there you are…

My break in the town turned out to be less relaxing than I originally intended. Had a fight with this guy. He was a pretty good sport about the whole thing.

2015-08-08_00075 I won.


Then the Jarl asked me to investigate a burnt out house. That strikes me more as a job for the local fire department but I won’t complain. You would think that ONE of the townsfolk would have noticed the creepy ghost girl occupying the place. She challenged me to play hide and seek to tell me who torched the place. Given the fact she was already dead and that my usual persuasive techniques (smashy smashy) would be largely ineffective I complied. Then a vampire attacked me.

2015-08-08_00080It turns out there was some kind of vampire love triangle thing going on. I wasn’t really paying attention. The gist of it was there was a “master vampire” in a cave just outside the town. I was not entirely sure at the time whether this was literal or a BDSM dungeon type thing.

It turned out to be literal vampires so the town and I “Torch and Pitchforked” our way over to the vampires lair and slaughtered them all. I caught a nasty case of turning into a vampire but I had a thing for that.

Work done I set off back on the road to Whiterun. Then a dragon happened.


The problem in the end didn’t turn out to be keeping them on the ground as I expected but getting close enough to hit them while they try and breath blast you to death. Full frontal charge followed by repeated face smashings do seem to be the way to go.

I did die a couple of times in the process. I found that any time I tried to be clever and flank it I would lose a ton of health then it would take off again.

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Luckily on the final attempt he was kind enough to stay on the ground, and I got a free recharge from leveling up mid fight.

Now back to the road. I’m sure things can’t get worse from here.


Oh, it’s snowing, delightful.


And bandits. Great. Are there not policemen or soldiers or something around here. Like some guys on horses with armour and weapons. I don’t think its asking a lot, I mean what do you pay your taxes for in a place like this. It’s not like they’ve invented proper sewage or rubbish collection yet.


Oh and vampires. That’s it, I’m talking to the Jarl.


Ahh, finally I’m back. I’m gonna sell my stuff and get started on an actual proper quest. First though I’m going to go and have words about some things.


Well that was the plan, I was going to dramatically march in and “have words” with the Jarl. As it turns out though someone happened to appear out of nowhere just when I was getting my angry on (literally, she wasn’t in the room when I walked in, maybe she finally caught up to me because I’d not been fast travelling).


Good Lord Lydia where the hell have you been?

“Right behind me….but…for…fucking hell Lydia I got the crap beaten out of me by a necromancer, I nearly turned into a vampire twice and A BEAR ATE MY FUCKING HORSE!!”

*sigh* “I am sworn to carry your burdens”

“You know what Lydia I am not in the mood for your shit, just carry this dragon bone for me”

OK, fine, let’s just set off now and deal with some shit. It’s time to go and see the Greybeards and the walks going to take a while.

More bandits. I think I might be going seriously the wrong way. Well at least this time I have some backup.


And they had some nice armour in their chest. Not sure why they weren’t using it really. Not sure about the colour though. Kind of clashes with the green. It will have to do for now though.


The remainder of the Journey to Ivarstead was largely uneventful.

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Now just to stop in the town for the night before we head on up the mountain, that’s bound to be a lengthy and tiring trek full of trip hazards.


You know what…You could just ask, you don’t need to go all out on the hints. I’ve got an axe as big as you, it’s probably a safe bet I would be interested in new and interesting things to hit with it.


You could probably convert that into like 10 flats (sorry “luxury apartments”), maybe add a second floor, really maximise rental income, you know?

Eurgh, I feel dirty now.


Yeah, actually, you go first Lydia. Make up for the horse. Wait what’s that noise.


Wow, how’s that for a shit welcome. I come all the way out to this place and a ghost tells me to fuck off. Charming.


Dude’s got a nice office though, classy you know. Ambient. Just need to randomly pull some levers until I can follow that translucent dickhead and…There we go.


Surprisingly solid for a ghost. Oh its just an old weirdo with a special potion that makes him look like a ghost that he uses to terrorise the townsfolk. And he would have gotten away with it all if it wasn’t for this meddling orc.


Oh, it’s not your fault…I think it’s probably all the meat and beer fumes making you unusually susceptible to poorly implemented shenanigans.

What’s that, a gift you say?


Oooo, a shiny thing. I know what these do (interesting aside it took me a disturbingly long time to work out that you could rotate items in the inventory the first time I played, made these dungeons a lot more hassle).


These things strike me as very over engineered for a huge stone door. In fact how long have these things even been here. I mean how does it even work, it’s like the tomb at the start of raiders of the lost arc, none of that shit should be working.


Hmm, this could be dangerous. Lydia take point.

Hey Mr Skeltal, you’re back!

Hmm, skeletons. I can handle skeletons. And zombies. Rather a lot of skeletons and zombies.


Giant pools of oil like this make me miss bows. Tried to unrelenting force the lamps down but, of course, they flew off and missed. Need to find a way to heave half a brick at them.

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For a draugr overlord he didnt take too much killing. Still, theres a wall of shoutiness. Worth the effort to get that.


Oh, “Kyne’s Peace”. Great, if I anger a mudcrab thatll really help more than FusRoDa ing the snippy little sod over the horizon. *sigh*

Now all that’s left to do here is rest up once more at the inn and set off up the…wait…oh my god what the hell happened to you?!


I mean that broom literally went straight through you…did you trip and fall onto it? Is…is no one else horrified by this. No? OK then, everyone seems fine with it. Maybe they’re waiting for shock to set in or for that flute to fill up with blood before they do anything.


Maybe…maybe she hasn’t noticed and no one wants to alarm her in case she causes a scene. I think I shall just back slowly away.


It is picturesque as fuck up here.


This is a really pretty game. It’s easy to forget it came out in 2011.


Dammit Lydia, you don’t shoot a guy in the dick! I realise I killed him with an axe anyway but it’s the principle of the thing.


Nice place they’ve got up here. Commutes a pisser but the views are pretty nice. I suppose if you walk up and down this mountain every day you can at least skip leg day due to your huge over developed leg muscles. Probably good for kicking in any doors that refuse to do your bidding as well.


Hmm, typical courier just dump your shit anywhere,

Hmm….This doesn’t feel right to me. It’s like there’s something missing. Wait, I know just the thing.


There…That’s better. Class the place up a bit.

The personal touch really makes a difference, doesn’t it?