I wrote this one quite a while ago, but completely forgot to post it. Partly because I was busy with last editing passes over Empty Shells (available now on Amazon), and partly because I started writing the next chapter, which would have explained why the council chose this particular moment to reveal their existence to the world.
Which I’ve now entirely changed my mind on doing, at least within the scope of this serialised online bloggy thing. These are supposed to be little extracts from a chatty podcast, and firstly, narratively, it’s a little bit darker than I intended these to be, secondly it would be way too long.
And thirdly, as I’ve mentioned, this started its life as supplemental RPG materials, and I kind of prefer the event that leaves the council with no choice but to make monsters public up to the GM, or even as a playable adventure.
One other note, if you are someone who ever ends up reading Empty Shells (and its future sequels) you may recognise names that appear in these excerpts. This is not coincidence, these excerpts are in fact canon to it and take place at an unspecified point in the future. Empty Shells, and the second and third parts of its trilogy are set in spring 2024 (coinciding with when I started writing it). Just not precisely the same 2024 we lived through. What with the angels, demons, werewolves etc.
These are at some point, probably in the late 2020s or early 2030s. I’ve got a rough timeline, and everything. I won’t say who the unnamed werewolves ate in the redacted section of the following chapter, but it pretty directly resulted in major changes to the 21st century United States. Mostly because writing about the real 21st century USA would be entirely too depressing.
—Season 4, Episode 3: The Revelation—
…
‘Alright, so we’ve put this off long enough. It’s time to talk about the elephant in the room, the revelation, as it’s come to be known.’
‘I would wager, at this point, that you’ve seen the press conference. In fact, with the possible exception of people on wilderness getaways, uncontacted tribes, and my uncle Gilbert who refuses to have a phone and thinks I work on the radio, everyone has. But now, let’s talk about what actually happened, behind the scenes. Well, that and what came after.’
…
‘So I got this email, and it wasn’t to the podcast’s contact address. It was to the editor of one of the publications I do freelance work for. Believe it or not, as much as I love doing the show, historically it hasn’t made “primary source of income” money. Anyway, the editor, he says to me, he’s had this phone call, requesting they send someone to cover this event at a hotel in New York. That they won’t say what it is, only that it’s important and that they’ll regret missing out on the opportunity. The funny part, he says, is that they were very specific that they wanted me.’
‘Between us, we think it’s probably some horror movie launch junket or some nut bag with more money than sense that wants to talk about their new cult or something. It’s not like what I did in my off time was a secret, after all. If they wanted me, then… Well, let’s just say it wouldn’t be the first time I ended up covering something weird. I was kind of busy with paying work, so I would have turned it down, but as a sweetener, whoever it was had thrown in a couple of nights in a very (and I mean very) nice hotel where the conference was happening. As I wasn’t exactly rolling in money, a nice weekend away for free was not something I’d be turning down. We figured I’d sit around until it was clear it was nonsense, then bail and take full advantage of the facilities.’
‘I get the subway over and as soon as I walk into the lobby I start getting the vibes that maybe I wasn’t entirely on the ball with my guess. The place is full, and I don’t mean busy, I mean fully booked out, every last room, by the same customer. Half the lobby is full of journos and the like. An odd mix, too. There was everything from the BBC and Reuters to bloggers and podcasters. Still, I had a couple of hours, so I check in and head upstairs. I have a shower, I freshen up, and I put my “I’m taking this seriously” outfit on. It’s nice, that one. I look good in a waistcoat. I figure it’ll be an hour tops, and I’ll either fuck it off, or whack together some template piece to bung off to the editor if there’s something half interesting; and then off to the hotel bar, and then maybe the spa.’
‘Anyway, once I can’t put it off any longer, I head down to the function room they’re setting up. I arrive at just about the last possible moment, so of course all the tables are taken, packed with a mix of press and… strangers. This is not a concern, because they also had a bar, at the back of the room, furthest from the stage, where I took a seat. I figured I could swivel around when the talking starts. There’s only two other people at the bar, excluding the staff. At one end of the bar was a handsome black guy in a turtle-neck and suit jacket, watching the whole affair with a contented smile and sipping a glass of wine. Sitting dead centre was a guy in a suit with the sleeves rolled halfway up his forearms, slightly ratty sneakers, shirt half open to reveal a black t shirt beneath, and tastefully ruffled up hair. Judging by the glasses on the bar, he was on his third drink.’
‘Fourth, actually,’ Jude said, ‘we need a bit extra to get a buzz going.’
‘The casual guy, who you’ve probably figured was Jude, gestured me over to sit beside him. Asked me what I was drinking. I said if he was paying, I’d have a scotch. Don’t tell the others, but it’s an open bar, he whispered, we figured you’d need it. I laughed and asked just what this was all about, given just how much cash was being conspicuously thrown about. The guy in the turtle-neck chuckles. Jude just pretends to check the watch he isn’t wearing and says to give it five minutes.’
‘So I start on my drink and take a look around. It’s pretty clear who’s the reporter types and who’s everyone else. Or, at least, it is to me. From where I’m sitting, it looks like there’s been an almost curated distribution. Every table has a mix of the journalists and the others. There was this clear dividing line between “standard suits” and, well, everything from casual to dressed to impress. And speaking of which, this woman walks past us, and she is just stunning. She’s wearing this long black dress. It’s backless and sleeveless, so you can see she’s got some muscle going on, she looks like an athlete, then as she passes by I realise the dress is clearly something of a statement as her back is covered in this crisscross of scars.’
‘Statement would be the word,’ agreed Haley, ‘Most expensive thing I’ve ever worn. Custom-made for the big reveal. From the sort of dressmaker that doesn’t ask questions like “are you sure you want it backless with all those scars” and “what’s with the quick release catch”.’
‘Now when I say stunning, I mean it. I was not the only person who was staring at her like an idiot. Half the eyes in the place followed her as she stalked off after someone she wanted to talk to.’
‘I’d say, are you trying to get in my pants, but I ain’t wearin’ any,’ Haley joked.
‘Jude’s looking at her with this look of half pride and half awe. I’m just miles away, and I don’t even realise I’m fiddling with my shirt sleeve. You see, I… I never wear short sleeves. I haven’t talked about this publicly before, but I have some scars on my left forearm which I don’t like people seeing. It’s all in the past, but it gives people ideas. Changes how people look at you. And then this woman goes past, looking absolutely amazing, showing those scars off like war paint. By the time my brain starts up again, I catch Jude’s eye, and he’s watching me.’
‘He looks at me like he’s seeing right through me, and he says to me, “believe me, no one’s giving you shit if you want to roll your sleeves up tonight”. I get suspicious, like, immediately suspicious. Except for a very short list of immediate family, one very close friend, and a partial list of people I’ve slept with, no one knew about the scars. So I ask him what he means. He chuckles, and he tells me he’s just great at reading people. I call bullshit.’
‘He smiles, and he says that he saw the way I was looking at her, and my whole vibe changed when she passed, and I saw the scars. Between the fact I read as impressed more than surprised, and the way I was subconsciously playing with my sleeve, I gave the game away.’
‘There was more to it than that, but it wasn’t far enough into the night to just say you smelled different,’ clarified Jude, ‘Most of the people watching Haley were either intimidated or horny.’
‘Which is, of course, the correct set of responses to seeing me in a nice dress,’ she agreed.
‘You, however, all you were giving off was awestruck,’ Jude continued. ‘The rest was just people reading, and you get good at that when you’ve got the nasal cheat code.’
‘So I just sigh and roll my shirtsleeves up. Happy now? I say to him. He just shrugs and says I look fine to him. The other guy at the bar, turtle-neck guy, he gives me this oddly sage look and tells me that a person’s scars are part of the story of who they are and nothing to be ashamed of. Says that we all have a few, even if they aren’t all that obvious. Who was that guy anyway, he vanished pretty sharpish once everything kicked off?’
The werewolves shared an odd look, as if wordlessly asking a question. Haley shrugged.
‘Azazel.’
Cadence looked between them, waiting for something more.
‘Is that someone I should know?’
‘Hah!’ Haley said, with a snort of laughter. ‘Not likely. You won’t see him again, either, not wearing that face at least. He was just showing support on behalf of his dad. And before you ask, good luck getting an interview with either of them, I can get you through many doors, but that one’s a one way trip.’
‘His dad being?’
‘Lucifer,’ Haley said, as if it was the most normal answer in the world.
‘Lucifer? Oh come on, you’re pulling my leg this time. Which one’re we talking about here? Tom Ellis? Jeremy Jordan? De Niro?’
‘Honey, you’re good company, but if Tom Ellis was in the building, the only way you’d be getting me off him would be with a fire hose,’ said Haley.
‘Alright, play with me all you want, we’ll do demons in another episode. So I’m not exactly at my best at this point. I’m surrounded by weirdos, I’m suddenly all thrown off my game, and to add to it all I’ve got this weird feeling that my scars are why I’m there, which, if it had been true, would have made me very angry indeed. Still, I turn around and order another drink from the barman. And decide to mind my own business.’
‘For the record, we both looked fucking great that night, scars or no,’ Haley said, quietly.
‘So I don’t have to wait long for the main event. The lights are dimmed, and a spotlight hits this podium set up on the stage. There were so many cameras set up around that thing. Made sense really. I didn’t notice how many of them were watching the point just next to the podium, though, not until later.’
‘This older dude comes out, neat suit… expensive suit. The guy’s immaculate, head to toe. The lights were even catching on his damn shoes, they were so well polished. I have heard the term silver fox used to describe him, and honestly I can see their point. He stands at the podium, takes a deep breath, and he starts giving this prepared speech.’
…
‘Ladies, gentlemen, and others, I would like to thank you for taking the time out of your day to listen to what I have to say, whether you are here in person or watching from home. To those of you watching this in a historical context, it is my profoundest hope that we are making the right decision here today, and that the world you live in is a better one for what I am about to say.’
‘Before I begin, I would like, also, to make two promises. The first is that I am going to say some things which may be considered outlandish, ridiculous even, to most of you. You would be well within your rights to dismiss my words as such. So I will reassure you now that proof of a most graphic nature will be provided for my claims, and you will not need to wait long to see it. The second is that we mean no harm to anyone in this room, and that none of you will come to harm at our hands. I do appreciate that this may be somewhat disconcerting to those of you who have kindly attended this presentation in person, but it is better to clearly state this now, so you may be more comfortable later.’
Emmanuel paused, took a deep breath, and adjusted his cuff links.
‘The story of humanity is one of an endless struggle for rights, for recognition, for even the most basic freedoms. A struggle against the orthodoxy of the day, and against those who see equity and equality as a threat to their supremacy. I am old… much older than I look, and I have seen so much of it with my own eyes. We have watched as you have fought and scraped for every scrap of freedom to think, speak, live, and love as you choose.
‘We have watched, also, as at the slightest sign of complacency great swathes of those hard-fought rights have been swept away. As humanity has been turned against itself, while its masters laugh and count the coin they have accumulated in blood. Some of you may wonder why we would have kept our existence a secret for as long as we have. Some of you will know all too well. We have been beside you throughout those trials. Many of us have fought at your sides. Your rights and freedoms, after all, have been ours too.’
‘It was long the plan that we would remain in the shadows until humanity had grown further. Until you had moved past the petty wedges driven between you. We had hoped that we could wait until humanity had come together and built a kinder world before we would unveil ourselves. We are not perfectionists, nor are we unrealistic. We knew that it would take time, but we have seen the progress you have made, how far you have come in so short a time.’
Emmanuel paused for a moment, and sighed.
‘Events, regrettably, have forced our hand. It has been growing clear for some time that safety through obscurity is no longer a viable strategy. When every person carries a television studio in their pocket, when every movement is followed by countless cameras, and when machines track and study every action, it is impossible to truly remain hidden. With every passing day, it was growing harder to maintain the veil, and we were forced to rely more and more on those allies we have in power to conceal our presence.’
‘But beyond that, our decision was in large part made for us. While there have always been those who knew of our existence, they have been those we chose to reveal ourselves to, or those who could be persuaded that we meant no harm and that we only wished to live our lives. That is no longer the case, and our existence has been discovered by those who would do us harm. Who would use us to further their own ends. We will not allow this. It is clear now, that in this new world, to continue to exist we must abandon secrecy and stand with you in daylight.’
‘You will rightly be asking, at this point, who, or what, we are. We are many, and varied. We belong to every race and gender, and hail from every part of the world. We are seated here among you, fully half of the individuals in this very room, the people you have been chatting and drinking with for the past few minutes. We will all be introduced to you in time, but we will begin with the personal.’
‘I have used many names throughout my lifetime, but from today on, one way or another, that is over. My name, my real name that is, the name I was born with, is Emmanuel Holton. I was born in England, in the year fifteen hundred and twelve. I am a vampire.’
Emmanuel paused as voices erupted around the hall.
…
‘So some of the people in the audience kick off at that. They call bullshit in a very literal sense. A few even get up to leave. They are all very rapidly shushed and sat back down by the people at their tables. I see now how carefully things have been arranged. The disruption is over in seconds. I glance across at Jude. Fucker just winks at me and gives me this look that says “you ain’t seen nothing yet”.’
‘At this point, all eyes are back on him. Except mine. Jude gives me a nudge and nods over towards the wings. From where I’m sitting, I can just see Haley waiting to come on. Jude leans in and tells me I’m going to love the next part.’
…
‘I have seen a great many things first hand. Civil wars, both English and American. The fall and restoration of the crown. Revolution and independence. The industrial revolution, the space race and the atomic age. Suffrage, civil rights, pride. Two world wars. So much cruelty and death. So much life and potential wasted. When you live as long as I have, you see the best and worst of humanity. I want you to understand that this is not a metaphor, not an allegory, that there is not some twist coming. I am a vampire. I am an immortal creature that feeds, consensually I might add, on the blood and life force of humans.’
‘I am very aware, however, that shy of continuing this speech for another hundred years or so, that is not the easiest thing to necessarily prove. That is not a problem, however. You see, many of my associates are possessed of more visually striking properties. Miss Stanford, would you be so kind as to join me.’
…
‘You’ve all seen this part. Everyone’s seen this part. I imagine everyone there ever will be will see this part. Up until we all nuke each other out of existence, or go so far we forget which planet we even came from. Haley strides out of the wings and comes to a stop just beside the podium. There are some more murmurs and voices from the audience, even a few laughs and jeers. Although even then, she was most definitely drawing the eye. I noticed something funny, though, that I don’t think most of the others did. She was barefoot.’
…
‘Of all of us who are capable of providing a tangible demonstration of our true natures, we have chosen perhaps the most dramatic to take the first step. On behalf of all of us, I would like to thank Miss Stanford here, and I would also like to take this moment to reiterate what I said earlier. No one in this room will be harmed. In your own time, please.’
…
‘So, Haley doesn’t say a word. She just smiles, takes a bow, and then reaches behind her neck and releases some fastener that’s holding her dress up. The thing drops away, and she’s standing there stark naked.’
‘For the record,’ Haley explained, ‘we talked about exactly how we would do it. We decided bursting out of the clothes would be more intimidating. That and all those angles on the transformation, completely uncovered, would make it way more difficult to dismiss out of hand. Every channel would be replaying footage from a different angle. Also, there was no universe where I was shredding that dress.’
‘I’ve seen what it cost,’ Jude added.
‘Yeah, well, I’m not doing that particular act in ratty sweats and an old hoodie,’ Haley continued. ‘If I’m making that much of a scene, I’m going all the fuck out. Although I did reconsider my decisions about halfway through shaving. I fired the gardener right after I became a werewolf. It seemed slightly absurd spending so much time shaving legs and pits and the like when I’d be growing 100% coverage at the drop of a hat. But it was a one-off, and sometimes you have to make sacrifices for style, and I’ve got to say the end result was pretty damn fine.’
‘That’s an understatement. Anyway, she looks into the centre camera, and says…’
…
‘Showtime!’
…
‘And then she changes. In fifteen seconds flat, she goes from a human to a full on monster. She’s all muscle and teeth and claws and shaggy fur. The room goes absolutely pin drop silent. No one speaks, no one even dares move or try to run. And then she rears up, throws her head back and howls. Every damn human in that room seems to shrink in their seats. And right next to me, the man I’ve been drinking with is howling too.’
‘That was too good a howl not to join in. Besides, Zootopia was right, that shit’s contagious,’ joked Jude.
‘I’m sort of vaguely aware that everyone else is terrified, but I’m not. Because I’ve seen a werewolf before, and I’ve been trying to find them again ever since. Eventually the howl stops, I’ve no idea how you do it for so long, and the whole place goes silent. Well,’ Cadence chuckled, ‘almost.’
…
When the werewolf’s howl ends, the room falls silent. Most microphones then pick up a single raised voice.
‘Hah, I said I wasn’t crazy! I fucking told you! Fuck you, Dr Simkins!’
…
‘I would like to take this moment to apologise publicly to Dr Maria Simkins. You’re great, I still love you, it’s just I was very overexcited and in my head you’ve kind of become this sort of avatar of all the people who wouldn’t believe me when I told them about what you call “the incident”. I’ve had to stop looking at my phone for a while, the sheer number of messages telling me I was right all along and apologising for doubting me, it’s almost pornographic.’
…
‘Well, quite.’ Emmanuel clears his throat. ‘Everyone else, you may drop your glamours.’
…
‘And then the whole room goes bananas. There’s screaming and panicking, and people running for the exits which are all locked, and I’m just there laughing my ass off because everywhere I look half the people in the room have turned into, well, monsters. There’s wings and tails and claws and fangs and fur all over the place.’
‘I look over at Jude, and he’s got this big happy smile on his face, and he’s just about the most relaxed person in the room. I ask him if he’s gonna change too? He says it’s her moment, he’s just here for moral support.’
…
‘Please, be calm, my friends. It is as I have said. No one here is going to harm you. In this room are representatives of monster communities around the world. Vampires, werewolves, banshees, harpies, selkies, beastfolk, and many more. These people live among you, they are your neighbours, your coworkers, your friends. Not five minutes ago, you were laughing and drinking with them. The only thing that has changed is their appearance.’
…
‘It takes a couple of minutes, but the various monsters gradually usher and cajole everyone back into their seats. Slowly the room gets quieter. Eventually, almost everyone’s back in their seats. The cameramen having got a great deal of footage of monsters being the nice calm ones in the room. There’s no denying how well planned this whole thing was.’
‘It was expected. It’s why we took care to spread everyone out,’ Jude explained, ‘so the monsters could singly calm down the people they’d been socialising with before. And be seen doing so. What wasn’t expected was what came next.’
…
‘I understand that this is a lot, that this is upon you all of a sudden. But we invited each of you for a reason. Your-’
…
‘Emmanuel starts talking, now that the room’s calmed down a bit, tries to get his speech going again, then this guy stands up. Shouts something I didn’t catch. I’m not sure if it was even coherent. Then he pulls a gun out of nowhere. He’s clearly almost out of his mind terrified, and he points it at Emmanuel and opens fire.’
‘I’ve never seen someone move as fast as Haley did, stepping between them and taking the bullets. He empties his gun into her, and she barely flinches. He doesn’t even seem to understand what’s happening at first. Dude just stands there firing away on empty. I could hear the clicking from all the way at the back, the whole place was dead silent again. Haley steps down off the stage and stalks up to him, growling.’
‘He seems to realise when she’s about ten feet away that he’s made a massive mistake. He stops dry-firing and starts backing up, shaking, until he backs into a table. I’ve seen the shot from twenty different angles. Haley, all bloodied and snarling, standing over him, and then just snatching the gun out of his hand and pulling it apart, then striding away and leaving him standing there blubbering.’
‘He pissed himself, too. I want to make that very clear,’ Jude added. ‘For historical record, you know?’
‘Some security guys, humans I think, take the guy away. Surprisingly kindly, given the circumstances. Jude’s whining next to me, I don’t mean complaining, I mean literally whining. I look over, and he just says “follow her, I should stay just in case”. I turn around, and I see Haley heading towards a side door, and the further she goes, the more unsteady she gets. When she gets to the wall, she leans on it and leaves this bloody smear behind.’
‘I get up and run after her.’
…
‘We had anticipated some degree of backlash, but not quite so immediate. I do apologise. Our security will have a quiet chat with that gentleman in the back and hopefully calm him down. I will not say no harm done, but at least everyone’s alive. For reference, he was more likely to kill a human than any one of us. We tend to be rather resilient.’
‘I was saying, now somewhat ironically, that we chose each of you for a reason. Some for your trusted reputations, some for your general accepting natures, some because we were fairly sure you already suspected the truth or have had experiences of your own.’
‘Our hope was that we could spend the next few days here together, and that you could tell the truth of us to the world. But there was more to it than that. With all of you here, and with the cameras watching, we want to make a statement first.’
…
‘It wasn’t hard to follow her. She’s leaving bloody handprints down the wall, changing as she walks. Before she makes it to the end of the hallway, she’s human again. She drops to her knees, the pain too much for her to walk with. Hollow points, she says, why are they always fucking hollow points.’
‘I pick her up off the floor, and I’m like, where to? She just points at a door down the hall. I help her along, and it turns out to be a linen store. I get her inside, and she just slumps and sits up against the wall. She reaches out for a towel, and winces from the pain, not quite reaching it. I grab it off the shelf for her, and she balls it up and presses it against a wound.’
‘So, I say, should I, like, call an ambulance? She looks at me and laughs, or at least starts to laugh, before she does this full body flinch and goes “ow, ow, ow”. Tells me she just needs some time for the bullets to work their way back out, and asks if I can keep her company while they do their thing.’
‘Hey, you’ll take whatever distractions you can get when you’ve got a load of mashed up hollow points slowly pushing their way back out. Never fucking stops hurting, because the tissue around them’s constantly healing,’ Haley explained. ‘It’s a bastard of a thing.’
…
‘All we want, have ever wanted, is to live beside you as your neighbours, friends, and family; and to do so openly, for the world to see us as we are. Perhaps, if we can finally be truthful with each other, the world can be a happier place.’
‘But, also, I bring a warning. Our rights, our existence, our personhood, will not be taken from us. This is not a request, but a statement of fact. We will not stand meekly by and watch while we are legislated into oblivion. Nor will we allow fences to divide us, or signs to segregate us. We have seen, with our own eyes, every horror of human history. We will not be your next victims. I promise you that.’
‘Now, I hope it won’t come to that. In the days to come, there will be many difficult conversations to be had. Yes, between the council and the governments of the world, but also between so many of you. I beg of you to remember that, when you discover that someone you work with, or your neighbour, or friend, is a monster, that they are still the person you have always known. Putting aside our status as monsters or humans, we are all, simply, people. We have shared the world in peace for a very, very, long time. Now let us do so openly.’
‘Thank you all.’
…
‘Haley and I ended up watching the tail end of the speech, and Emmanuel and some of the others taking questions from the press, on my phone, sat in the corner of a linen closet while I picked bullet bits out of her. Oh, and absolutely ruining quite a lot of towels, but I’m sure the hotel was making enough money not to care. The cleaner who came in seemed more concerned about the horrible injuries, than the mess. Nice lady. Fetched us some painkillers and a pair of tweezers.’
‘There was some swearing, and some tears along the way, but an hour later you wouldn’t know that she’d ever been shot. It was quite something to watch. Eventually, when she felt good to go again, I made her up a crude dress out of a bedsheet. It wasn’t quite the fashion show she started the night as, but we made our way back to the event. We both felt like we could use a trip to the bar.’
‘Hey, I think sheet-dress looked fine. But then I would have wandered off without it if you hadn’t stopped me,’ Haley explained. ‘Healing out gunshots really takes it out of you, so I was focused more on the buffet.’
‘We made our way back, stocked up at the bar and buffet, and found a table out of the way. Barring a few concerned monsters checking in on Haley, we were mostly left alone. It turns out people aren’t all that keen to hassle someone who’s just been shot six times while foiling an assassination. We sat and ate our snacks and watched the monsters do the first round of human/monster public relations. Interviews were breaking out all over the room, people were setting up broadcasts as fast as they could. It was a full news circus, and there were already more building up in the street outside.’
‘Not just the news, outside,’ Jude added, darkly, ‘we were already being protested. We always knew that would happen, though. Did you know those fuckers have already got a conspiracy theory that we took the gunman out the back and killed him?’
Haley shook her head.
‘Dude’s fine. Some guys calmed him down and got him a cab home. No harm done. From what I understand, he’d had a bad experience with a vampire in the past. Kept it quiet to not get called crazy, and panicked when the whole thing went off,’ Haley explained. ‘I mean, I’m not thrilled about getting shot, but at least he’s getting some help now.’
‘And now,’ Cadence resumed, ‘the whole world’s changing. Monsters are coming out of the shadows everywhere, albeit slowly. I can understand their hesitancy. Why they might want to see how it goes for everyone else first. But it’s happening. Responses are… let’s be honest, mixed. The usual suspects are saying exactly what you’d expect them to.’
‘Yeah, we kind of predicted that,’ admitted Jude. ‘Churches calling for a new crusade, between passing the collection plates. The predictable politicians talking about how “something needs to be done”. And that’s all before we get to the conspiracy theorists blaming us for everything under the sun, including quite a lot of things that never happened in the first place.’
‘Let’s see,’ Haley said, ‘I went online for half an hour earlier, apparently JFK was a vampire, was assassinated by vampires for opposing vampires, was never assassinated because that was actually a changeling doppleganger, Lee Harvey Oswald was mind controlled by sirens, while being both a vampire, a vampire’s thrall, and a government agent assigned to hunt monsters. I mean JFK for fuck’s sake, why would we want to assassinate JFK? If we were in the business of assassinating presidents, believe me he would not have been the one.’
‘That’s not to say monsters haven’t had an impact on history,’ Jude clarified. ‘I mean monsters fought in the wars, some of us have all sorts of roles in keeping the world running, and that’s before we even get to [REDACTED]. You’re welcome, by the way, imagine how much the place would have gone to shit if we hadn’t eaten him. Well, us in general, this was before my time.’
‘Jesus, Jude, I cannot use a word of that. I mean, that is history books shit. Actionable, too.’
‘Correction,’ Jude continued, ‘It would have been history books shit, if he hadn’t tried to intimidate the wrong werewolves. As it is, once they realised what he was really up to, they found out they’d accidentally saved the day. Democracy won in the end, and it’s worth it just for the climate reforms, if you ask me.’
Cadence cleared her throat before resuming.
‘It’s not just the conspiracy theories, either,’ she said. ‘We’ve already had our first celebrity monsters. Well, if I’m honest it’s kind of hard to tell which ones are tabloid gossip, which ones are more conspiracy theories and which ones are genuine. Let’s see, who do we have… Okay, I’m dismissing out of hand that any of the last seven presidents were lizard people, because certain publications have been calling that one for decades anyway.’
‘Yeah, and there ain’t no fuckin’ lizard people, either,’ Haley stated, emphatically. ‘At least not like the conspiracy bullshit. For a start, the entire conspiracy theory is pants on head moronic, secondly the place would be way more chill if a secret cabal of lizards was running everything, have you seen lizards, they just want to lie on a hot rock eating bugs-’
‘Hashtag life goals,’ Jude interrupted.
‘- and thirdly, if you ever look into where that conspiracy theory came from, it’s really racist.’
‘Aren’t they all?’ Jude pointed out. ‘I’ve never heard of a conspiracy theory that’s not just a convoluted way to blame the Jews. Frequently for something that didn’t actually happen.’
‘True. And most of these are just more of the same. There’s a lot of “this celebrity is a monster”. The only one I can find where “celebrity actually says they’re a monster on camera” is Christie MacCrain.’
The werewolves’ ears perked up at that.
‘Oh, really?’ Haley asked. ‘What is she?’
‘Banshee,’ Cadence replied.
‘That explains a lot,’ Jude said, nodding.
‘I suppose if we give it a few weeks there’ll be more. There’s probably a lot of people talking to their agents and PR right now. Maybe we’ll do a celebrity special once we know who’s for real. But for now there is one other thing I wanted to ask about. There’s something Emmanuel mentioned in the speech, that there was a reason this had to come out right now?’
The werewolves exchanged a glance. Jude shrugged.
‘It’s not exactly a nice story, and I’m sorry, but it ain’t going public just yet. There are still, well, you know how the police aren’t supposed to comment on ongoing investigations? Well in this case the council have advised us not to comment on ongoing discussions with some high level government officials.’
‘Yeah, and the story isn’t likely to fit into an episode. And even if it did, I think it’d mess up the tone. I’m sure we’ll end up talking about it eventually.’